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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

6th March 2015

Bismillah..
Assalammualaikum..

A new day without beloved ayah :( can I live like this? aku dah anak yatim. Emosi.. tersangat tak stabil. Me either, I cannot control or expect my emotional status. ade je yang jadi mangsa.. especially him -_- and this lately, i'm just being to sensitive with people's doing. entahlah, aku pun tk faham dengan diri sendiri.. sebab masih merasa kehilangan kot.. okay laa, let's not to talk abt it..

last week weekend, pergi kuar dengan si dia. having big big gaduh.. seingat aku lah, dah lama sebenarnya tak bergaduh.. hahaha and it happened again. and, for the second time we had argument on last wednesday. i was so so excited to go out with him. unfortunately, things happened as unplanned. it's okay. may be cause of my own faults. aku punya la stress, rupanya dia boleh bsenang lenang melepak. hahaha tu namanya aku syok sendiri. bila aku text him, he replied me. and acting just so fine. okay, what's going on exactly? hahaha


7th October 2015

Bismillah..

Busy sangat this lately. Lots of things happened in my life. I learned about pain a lot. I really do feel like I am just, a small person. A small one who people don't really care, don't care at all. They don't see me as a real in whole. What should I do to change their perception? What should I do? I am not asking to be outstanding, I am not asking for people to love me. I just want to be myself. Most of the time, I failed to prove to them that I am something. Why? Am I lived in a safe place all this while? Am I? It just, feeling so hurt to know they are labeling u as no one. I should be able to face this, this isn't the first time. I have felt a lot more back then. 

I felt disappointed to know people around me ignored my thoughts. Why? Is it because I'm not performed well in studies? Is it because I am not as clever as they are? Ya Allah, please help me going through this. Please Ya Allah. I felt this for the second time. Ya Allah please help me, I just can't take it anymore. For the whole class today, I was so embarrassed as no one was taking my thoughts at the very first place. Am I not applicable enough to say out loud my thought? things that I know? Ya Allah, please give me chance to prove that I can. Please give me your guide. Please help meimprove everything. Please always be by my side. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Coretan Buat Ayah.

Assalammualaikum ayah.. 

Fara baru sampai kolej.. Jasad kat sini, tp hati tkde kt sini pun.. Teringatkan ayah.. Farah tk boleh sunyi, farah ingat kt ayah.. Farah rindu ayah.. Terbayang bayang wajah ayah masa ayah terlantar atas katil masa tu.. Masa ayah sakit, masa ayah dah tkde.. Tenang.. Tenang tk ayah kt sana? Ayah jangan fikirkan kami sangat ye.. InshaAllah kami boleh teruskan perjalanan hidup ni.. Sebagaimana yg ayah impikan.. InshaAllah.. Farah macam tak boleh terima, kekadang bila farah teringat.. Atas surat mati, atas sijil kematian tu tertulis nama ayah.. Ye, nama ayah kesayangan farah.. Farah tknak, farah tk boleh trima.. Kenapa ayah? Terlalu awal.. Khalid bin Tukiman.. Sampai bilabila pn farah bangga bawa nama ayah.. Farah bangga berbinti kan nama ayah.. Farah bangga.. Farah syg ayah..

Coretan Buat Ayah..

Ayah.. Farah tktahu, farah rindukan ayah sangat.. Sangat rindu.. Farah selalu lupa solat, abaikan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang muslimah.. Ayah mesti kecewa dengan farah kan? Bukan ayah tk didik kami, ayah da buat yg terbaik.. Tapi kami sendiri yang lalai.. Didikan ayah tkda yg cacat celanya, ayah yg terbaik.. Ayah paling baik.. 

Tapi tadi, hati farah terdetik.. Apa bekalan ayah kt sana? Sedangkan anak anak ayah sedap tidur, ayah datang jenguk kami dan pulang tanpa apa apa.. Farah sedih.. Farah mampu bacakan fatihah dan yaasin je.. Farah sedih.. Tk dapat lawat ayah selalu kat sana.. Sampaikan farah rasa mcm nak ikut ayah.. Ikut ayah pergi sana.. Farah rindu ayah sangat.. Kesian ayah, kena tanggung dosa kami.. Terlalu banyak.. Dann.. Farah perasan.. Ayah tk tunjuk tanda pun yg ayah nak tinggalkan kami.. Kenapa ayah? Besar cabaran yg ayah bg pada kami.. Ayah nak uji kasih sayang kami ke ayah? 

Kesian ayah.. Kami selalu tk hiraukan ayah.. Bila ayah da takde, baru nak menyesal.. Macam farah.. Bila ayah ada, tak pernah kisahkan ayah pun. Keluar bseronok tinggalkan ayah sesorang.. Kalau farah tahu ayah akan pergi secepat ni, farah takkan abaikan ayah mcm yg farah buat dulu.. Farah menyesal sangat.. Farah anak jahat.. Kan ayah? Kesian ayah.. Ayah datanglaa selalu.. Farah dapat rasakan ayah ada kt sini.. Farah nak peluk ayah.. Peluk ayah kuatkuat.. Sebab farah rindu.. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Coretan Buat Ayah..

18 Februari 2015

Alhamdulillah, farah dapat jaga ayah.. Walaupun sekejap, Allah bagi peluang farah jaga ayah.. Yela, farah kan da lama tk jumpa ayah.. Ya Allah, tsangat rindu dengan ayah.. Tapi, dalam masa farah jaga ayah farah da buat dosa paling besar.. Besar sangat, sampai farah rasa ayah pergi sebab dosa farah.. Ya Allah.. Keadaan ayah makin teruk masa tu.. Keluar benda coklat dari mulut ayah, ya Allah.. Sedih sangat farah tengok.. Ayah jadi camtu sebab ayah tengok anak anak ayah ke? Ayah tengok farah buat ape ke? Ya Allah.. Takutnya.. Farah menyesal.. Farah berdosa sangat kt ayah.. Farah mintak ampun dengan ayah.. 

Ayah tengah bertarung nyawa, tapi farah fikirkan diri sendiri.. Farah mintak ampun dengan ayah.. Mesti ayah benci farah kan? Farah tahu, farah memang salah.. Farah banyak buat salah dengan ayah.. Farah rindu ayah.. Pagi tadi jam 4 pagi, farah datang tengok ayah.. Ayah tahu tk? Farah tgk ayah.. Hati farah tk sanggup.. Malam sebelum tu farah tk boleh tido, teringatkan ayah.. Farah menangis.. Sebab farah banyak sangat dosa dengan ayah.. Farah tknak ayah pergi tinggalkan kami.. Farah belum mampu terima.. Bila ayah pergi, farah terkedu.. 

Kenapa Allah pinjamkan insan sebaik ayah sementara je.. Kenapa terlalu sekejap.. Hurmmm tapi farah bsyukur.. Ayah pergi bila farah ada.. Farah syg ayah sangat.. Farah dapat cium dahi ayah, bahagia sangat.. Farah dapat pegang tangan ayah, ayah da kaku.. Ayah da tk bernyawa..  Ayah da sejuk, farah tk percaya ayah tinggalkan kami.. Tapi ayah jgn risau sebab kami semua da redha.. Allah lagi sayang ayah.. Semoga ayah tenang disana..

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Mimpi Jadi Kenyataan?

Bismillah..

Lama sungguh tak menulis, as I'm just too busy dealing with classes and bunch of tests in three consecutive weeks. orang lain dok sebok bersosial, bergembira, berjimba.. but aku? tersangkut dengan segala tests! it's okay, cause it really challenges my skills. hahaha and now, got no mood at all to study.. dah rabu, yet i didn't get any inputs yet and final will be starting next week.. or i should change my method of studying? i'm running out of time tho.. ermmm and this is not the thing that i want to talk about.. 

well ptg tadi, aku tido.. tido yg sangat lama. and it comes to a big whole of journey of mimpi.. haha over! entahlah, lately ni asyik mimpi kene kahwin je.. why? i think, i'm not ready to get married, but i'm so in love with babies and kids. sebab anak buah semua aku yang jaga, merasa jadi mummy walaupun belum masanya. last time, there's one guy fell in love with me because he saw me treating my nieces. dia cakap, i'm her type! haha nonsense..

okay back to the point. dalam mimpi aku ni..

i met one guy. i didn't know him, and he's from a rich family. i treated him like no one, but it went serious when he loves me. hahahah macam drama siottt :3 and, i do like him. and we both fall in love. his parents also nice and treat me like their daughter. i helped that guy doing charity works where we sell novels and things during our free time. aku pon banyak terpengaruh dengan novel, so i love to sell the books! we did it. but at that time, i didn't know that he has abang. after awhile, i met his abang. and i do treat him like ABANG! my brother-in-law laaa.. his abang ni duda, got sorang anak perempuan yg super duper cute. as i mentioned, i'm crazy about cute babies and kids. 

yang aku tkpaham, anak abg tu sangat baik dengan aku. behaving good whenever around me. tu yg aku suka, aku tak suka budak yg nakal. hahahah even in reality pun, i'm not ready to get married but i'm sooooo ready to have a baby. so anak org pon aku treat mcm anak sendiri. kikiki dalam mimpi aku tu, abang my boyfriend to treat me like hell.. like aku tk wujud.. it's okay cause aku bukan nak dia! aku nak adik dia.. hahahaahah so, juts go with it, and i don't give a damn la. hahahah and here it comes, dia (abang tu) nak jumpa my whole family. he invited my family to have big dinner together. we went to restoran tepi laut and melantak seafood. hahaha orang belanja, apa lagi..

and during makan-II tu, berbual-II la.. aku pelik sebenarnya pasaipa dia ajak jumpa family aku ngan family dia.. boyfriend aku pon ade. and macam biasa, anak abang tu berkepit dengan aku jelah. hahahahah and abang tu started to say a word. he said to my mum and dad. 'makcik, pakcik.. saya nak kawen dengan anak makcik'.. and i was likeee............ :3 tersedak lar! yang aku tahu, dia kenal aku sorang dlm adik-beradik. yes, dia maksudkan aku.. i was like, what??? dahlah layan aku macam ape, dia tu garang! taknak aku.. 

and the discussion ongoing, at last dapat kata sepakat. i have to marry that guy. ABANG nya bukan ADIK! and that adik izinkan aku kawen dengan abangnya.. bersebab. bila aku sendiri jumpa that abang, he explained to me why.. he knows that i will be a good mother to his baby.. ibu baby dah tkde.. and she should be replaced, as the baby grows up kan. and that abang won't live longer :( he got chronic disease which he may end up living for a short time. he said, i shouldn't be worried because i just need to be a good mother. once he died, i can marry his adik. hahahah gilossss

and that abang pon kaya, workaholic. kesenangan untuk ditinggalkan pada baby.. huhu and at last.. i marry him... 

tu diaaa ceghita mengarutnya kahkahkah








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